Hostel

This is a hundred percent real story Hey dude , i´ve got some story to tell ya. Last week I planned my holiday and went to the cinema to watch some traveloque to make my decision easier. I saw some travel movie called Hostel, and i was sooo into it that next day I took a plane to see that dangerous hillbillie country called „Slovenia“ or something. You know... gorgeous girls that do anything if you pay ....ANYTHING! And some „Elite Hunting“ company, where you can kill your own sloe-eyed bug with no punishment. After arriving to Bratislava (the name sounds so barbarian) I bought a lot of candies and bubble gums that protects you from being atacked from agressive children gangs and started to look for some Hostel....until I finally found something for sleep. I wasn´t surprised with the glamorous look of the receptionist, horrible looking interiors or joining the rooms with other „travelers“ (because I know they were only there to get the victims to the hunters). When I asked the receptionist for „Elite Hunting“ and that I need to find the company for enjoying their services, she looked surprised and she pretended she didn´t understood. Then I winked three times at her , gave her two bucks and she had miraculously comprehend with sweet but poisonous smile in the very same moment. She pulled off a big yellow book called „Zlaté stránky“ and found a phone number. I called that number and the deep voice was on the other side. The man asked „ Elitne huňatí, prosím ?“ . Stupid Europians they do not know how to read English labels, I thought for myself. I sad to him : „I want some Slovak.“ He asked „ Don´t you want rather some Japanese ? Exclusive stuff“. Stupid, I thought, I do not want some jerk filled up with mayonnaise (as I saw in travel movie „Hostel“ ) . „No no, Slovak is sufficient“, I said. The men sighed „ Ok we are sending you a car“ . So I came back to room, prepared my torturing tools and my plastic raincoat and started to drink some alcohol to make me feel more unbound. When I drank half of the bottle (vodka) I fell the great idea : Sauna !!! I hadn´t been there yet. You know, nude girls all around you and so. When I came to sauna , there was only some naked fat guy , who smiled at me and wawed me so I rather sat to the opposite corner and started to sweat....but fuck, I just came to opinion, that to go to sauna is not lucky idea when you drank vodka before. With spinning head I came to my room and fell asleep. I awoke because of strange feeling in my ass. I closed my eyes and almost died immediately. I was bound to the bed and some extremely hairy and fat nude man was sticking my torturing tools to my ass.“WTF?“ I cried. The man said „ Objednal si si elitne chlpatého Slováka, zlatko ...a vidím, že si si pripravil aj hračky, ty môj divoško.“ I can tell you being fuckin´ by bear is not nice, my ass is still aching. When he was finished and I felt like an elefant had reamed out my ass hole, I packed immediately and run away from the hostel. On my way to plane I was still running and throwing the bubblegums to dangerously looking children ......boy never go there , never, it is dangerous country!!!!!! A teraz vážne. Vykreslenie Slovenska ma poriadne pobavilo, ale „odpad“ dávam z čisto filmového hľadiska. Hostel je zlý, veľmi zlý film, ktorý nedrží pokope. Nie je vôbec krvavý a krutý ako to hlása masívny marketing, pokiaľ máte napozerané niečo z ázijských kruťáren bude vám Hostel pripadať ako polievočka. A Eli by si mal uvedomiť, že tudy cesta pre neho nevede a druhý Miike z neho nikdy nebude. Ale výber dievčat bol mňam mňam. 0/10 (09.03.2006) (méně) (více)